Jim's Personal Story as a Cancer Survivor |
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Some time ago, my wife and I had occasion to take our granddaughter to the beach... for her first time. The picture at left is of she and I standing on a special place, one that is described in the essay that follows. I have been blessed not only by the occasion but by the reception of those that have read it. Due to their insistence, I will again put it in public. Enjoy........ |
A Special Day
Written in 1994
Written in 1994
For all to read.....Today was a day that nearly fourteen years ago I thought I would never see. Permit me to go back those years for a moment, for those of you who don't know my story and a few new thoughts for those that do. Mid April, 1980. Diagnosis..Acute Myelomonocytic Leukemia in a very advanced stage. Prognosis... two weeks at the outside. To have this information thrust at you when moments before you were "just a little tired" really does a number on a person. Of course the mind was thinking in only one direction. What would become of my children? How would Judy get along? My offspring were 20, 17 and 15 at the time, and Judy and I were both 41 years old. The thoughts of the ultimate price to pay were most prevalent, of course. I passed the two weeks somehow, and began to think, a lot. The thinking made nothing easier, just many more questions I could not answer. Every six weeks after my initial month in the hospital I would return for a week of chemo, 24 hours a day for five days. No Hickman in those days, just needles in the arm. The "Why Me" syndrome played heavily in my mind until I turned it around to "Why Not Me!" The perspective of looking at the whole situation with that thought in mind helped a great deal. Several small incidents did occur during those early days that were nearly impossible to handle. That early prognosis was still very much in my mind. It seems that every magazine I picked up had an article about Leukemia, and the fact that SOME patients had lived as long as five years. How gratifying! I had learned to face the fact that death was imminent, that any day could well be my last. I thought of that, a lot, and finally came to the realization that every one of us was going to pass on at some time, it was only a matter of it being sooner than later. So what was the big fear? A lot more thought and I came away with an answer. It wasn't that I was afraid to die, I was mentally destroyed thinking of the things I would miss. Things like not being able to walk my daughter down the aisle when she got married. I began to gather strength from these thoughts, and I believe they helped greatly to pull me through. I walked my daughter down the aisle in November of 1989. But allow me to digress a moment. In July of 1980, just about 90 days after the initial diagnosis, Judy and I went to the beach for the weekend, to a town called Seaside on the Oregon Coast. We chose that town because there is a two mile long concrete walk along the shore, and because of weakness from treatments, I could not walk on the sand. The room we had faced over the "Prom," as it's called. A man, obviously a grandfather, was with his granddaughter right outside our verandah. I went to the bedroom and cried harder than I ever had in my life, I'm near sure of that. For one thing I would never get to see was a grandchild. Today, Saturday, January 29, 1994 we were caring for our four month old granddaughter as her parents were in Alabama for a family wedding. We drove to the town of Seaside, parked the car and as I remembered the spot well, right down to the square of concrete, my granddaughter got to see the ocean for the first time in her life, while cradled in my arms. Now I have a new goal. I will see her walk down the aisle one day and be given to another by my son-in-law. Then, a great grandchild may be treated to the same ocean view. I'm looking forward to it! ..........Jim Copyright © 1994 - 2000 Jim McCulloch |
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As the picture at the left shows, I believe my granddaughter and I have a real understanding. Thanks for taking the time to read my humble words. This may read like Oscar night, but there are those I feel need to be thanked for my very existence.
I'm very sorry if I've bored you with my words. "Special Day" was written the day it happened, the thanks were written as I was putting together this page. There are so many more that are certainly deserving. There are also friends, I can't count the number, that I have made because I was stricken with Leukemia. They are just about the most wonderful people in the world. These are people that understand, that have been where you are, that pass no judgments, that laugh when laughter is needed and blend together when strength is needed. I wouldn't trade this bunch for anybody. Perhaps that's why I do this day after day. Again, if you've read this far, thanks for putting up with me. I'll stop this dissertation with what I've written so many times.. Love and hugs from our home to yours..... Jim I believe it was 1992 when I found myself browsing through the bulletin board area of a commercial provider. I came upon the cancer topic. As one who had survived all but the mental reminders I was beside myself. Everything I read was doom and gloom. Never in my life had I seen people who had such a down outlook on life. It was at that time, then and there, that I decided to take a step. Cancer Survivors as a group was born at that moment. A note was posted, seeking any that had a positive mind set. I was doubtful of even one reply. To my astonishment there were several the very next day. The first I received was from a young lady in New York who made me feel like I had never had a problem. Her outlook was fantastic, as her cancer was still active. From that day there has been very few days I have not written to new acquaintances or friends on the computer. Survivors are a group that one is proud to be associated with. I believe we have discovered a way to help medicine rid ourselves of this disease. It's called support, having someone to write to, to unload our greatest worries on. Not surprisingly, what you hear back is a voice of understanding, of compassion, and yes, of love and caring. We have been there, we have felt the sting first hand. We do understand in a way no one can unless they've walked in our shoes. At times those shoes have rocks in them, for without perseverance and pain we cannot navigate the crooked path to success. That pain is as much or more mental as it is physical. I was diagnosed in 1980 with Acute Leukemia and given a two-week prognosis, on the outside. Life can be Hell, but it can also be tremendously rewarding. The young lady from New York? I regret having to change this, but she is no longer battling for her life for she has left this life. She and her husband made it to Atlanta for our reunion in 1997. It was a time I'll never forget, Mary Anne was a very special young lady, she deserved a great deal more than the hand she was dealt. Wherever she is now, she's still fighting! Note from Jim's successor, Chuck (July 2004): Jim now is enjoying being a Great Grandfather. Jim M. in Oregon, USA
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